Motherhood is Made of:

  • Cheerios always stuck to the bottom of your feet
  • Clothes that never fit your kids because they are too tall or too short or too chubby or too skinny
  • Never enough sleep because you’re working on years worth of sleep debt
  • Unending streams of loud noises like screaming and crying and giggling and farting and more screaming and crying and, if you have a dog, barking
  • Constant grocery trips because we are out of milk or formula or baby food or diapers or wipes, all of which are never out at the same time
  • “Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up” under your breath
  • Fear when things are too quiet
  • Counting down until the next nap
  • “Did I eat today?”
  • “I ate everything in our house today.”
  • “Don’t touch that!”
  • “NO! NO! NO! NO!”
  • Pushing things farther and farther back on your table and coffee tables and end tables and desks because the kids grew another inch this month
  • Hiding snacks and remotes and cell phones underneath the couch cushions so your kids can’t get them
  • Searching for snacks and remotes and cell phones and soothers when your kids find your couch stash
  • “I don’t think I can do this.”
  • “Nope, definitely can’t do this.”
  • “Why did I even think I could do this?”
  • Looking outside and wondering if it’s worth it to take the forty-five minutes of packing the kids up to leave just to go for a walk that will probably end in either rain, screaming, or a dirty diaper as soon as you’re three blocks away
  • Looking outside and feeling like you’ve been imprisoned
  • Paw Patrol! Paw Patrol! We’ll be there on the double! 
  • Overly-enthusiastic talking toys
  • Hourly butt sniffing
  • “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”
  • Surety that you’re doing this whole thing wrong
  • “WTF IS WRONG WITH MY KIDS?! I’m pretty sure they are defective.”
  • “I swear to God if you put that in your mouth…”
  • Repeating things thirteen times
  • Talking to yourself because nobody is around and you haven’t actually spoken in three days and you’re pretty sure this is why your kid is taking so long to learn how to speak
  • Telling yourself to calm down, immediately forgetting
  • Doctor appointments that always somehow fall in the middle of nap time
  • Hate for every single person who knocks on your door during nap time
  • Well-meaning, unsolicited advice
  • What you thought was a hug, but was actually the kid smearing snot all over your shoulder
  • Chewed food in your hair
  • Baby poop under your fingernails
  • Wondering what would happen if you just didn’t go and get them out of their cribs for another hour
  • “Did I say ‘I love you’ today? No? Well, I’m the worst parent ever.”
  • And all the mushy stuff that the other lists tell you about. You know what I’m talking about. The lists that are usually topped with a glowing picture of a well-rested mom in white smiling at a clean undressed baby that is not tugging at its diaper to get at whatever is inside. The lists that are usually on a pastel background and uses words like “adorable” and “sweet” and “cherish them while this stage lasts” as if we haven’t been told that six thousand times by every single person who is not in this stage and who looks like they have actually slept more than four hours at a time. The ones who would love to hold the baby until he starts fussing and then, surprise, it’s back to you. Those same lists that enchanted you while you were desperate to have a kid of your own and dreamt about the cuddles and kisses and the sweet smell of their little heads. Yeah, that stuff is real. They can be sweet and quiet and kind and sometimes they even smell good (in between the farting, dirty diapers, old food, formula burps, and spit up). They are those things, but they are also unstable nuclear bombs. Just as a head’s up.


Yup, unstable nuclear bombs

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