Pessimism and Negativity

Guess what! I am someone who always finds the glass half-empty. I expect the almost worst at every turn just so that I surprise myself with how okay things turn out in the end. I have to actively find the positive or I’m a giant cloud of gloom most of the time.

Example? Monkey has started to crawl and it’s adorable. He doesn’t do the traditional crawl. Instead, he’s learned the army crawl. He scoots around on his belly and gets under stuff like coffee tables and couches. This should be super exciting, but all I can think is “UGH now I have to buy a baby gate so he doesn’t tumble down the stairs, but it means I’m going to have to haul my pregnant, lazy butt over top of it every stupid time and I’ll probably fall down the stairs and lose this baby and then I’ll probably blame Monkey for the rest of his life and he will resent me because it’s not his fault that we bought a house with lots of stairs and why is his mom the worst?”

All because my little 9 month old has started a new stage in his adorable little life. See what I mean? And then I see all the people on social media talking about how wonderful parenting is and how their children are the lights of their lives and I wonder if maybe, just maybe I’m not really good at this mom thing. Like, maybe I should have left the procreating to people who aren’t like this. I mean, what kind of kids am I going to raise?

Why do I do this to myself? Control. It’s all about control. I think that if I can anticipate the worst, then I have some measure of control over it. If I keep in mind that I could lose this baby, then, if I do, it won’t be such a shock. But really, I’m letting the negativity control my life. I let the pessimism control my mood and interactions with my little guy, which I’m sure he’ll resent more than anything else.

So how do I relinquish the illusion of control? For me, taking pictures. Not of myself, but of Monkey. Seeing him grin at the camera or reviewing the pictures of him with his butt in the air while he tries to crawl reminds me that negativity hasn’t entered his little mind yet. All he sees is a whole world to explore and people who love him and a dog that has the most pullable tail. And how can I not share in that simple joy? Plus, I can’t make him sit still to take a fancy picture, I only get the candid stuff, which reminds me that I really, really can’t control anything. If I can’t get a person the size of a pillow to sit still for the fraction of a second it takes to snap a photo, then I can’t control the cosmic moving of the universe. And that’s maybe the way I want it. ‘Cause universe moving sounds like a huge amount of responsibility and let’s be honest, I’m pregnant and lazy and moving my own body is too much work sometime.

What about you? Do you ride the grumpy train with me most days or does a positive outlook come naturally to you? What do you do to let go of the negatives?


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